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To
the Inner Sanctum,
Don’t worry about getting a “Boonie
Doll” or a “Beefie Doll” – After his outstanding all-round
heroic contribution in this match which was a re-match of last year’s grand
final, by far the most sought after collection of sporting memorabilia will
no doubt be the soon to be released “Dallas Doll”. (that doesn’t
mean he will soon be releasing Jenny!!).
Unlike the much publicized “Boonie”
and “Beefie” which are very exclusive, this “Dallas doll”
will be available with any purchase of any beer brand world-wide, will not have
a “tache” and will most likely have a coloured playing shirt, one
sock, and definitely not have a wrist-watch!!. As well as this it wont say anything
ridiculous like “onya Beefie” and “buggar off Boonie”, it
will be much more expansive and sophisticated and say “I’ll have a
schooner, a packet of Benson & Hedges, and twenty dollars on No 4
in race 8!!”
We all had a good vibe about Dallas and how
he would go in this game, as after experimenting with several pre-match routine
changes in recent times, he finally seems to have settled back into his tried
and proven normal pre-match routine which seems to ensure he performs at his
optimum. He arrived at the venue just as the players were walking onto
the ground, and he had left home in such a rush to get there that he forgot
to bring his cricket shirt so had to play in a coloured top!! -
Aaahhhh the serenity!!
To the game -
The team was – Gerard (president and captain
–“ Dubbyah”), Nicho, Jack, Geoff “Farook” Ambrosi,
Chuck “Harmison” Chalmers, Henno, the “Kotzurnator ™”,
Wighto , Drummo, Starry, Kenny Hanlon.
And so we took the field against the Raiders
who after last season’s grand final upset loss to us seem to have recruited
even younger and stronger players in a concerted effort to go one step further
this year (unlike us who are all a year older, heavier, blinder and more arthritic!!)
We battled very hard to get to 130 on a tough
wicket against a very solid attack and athletic fieldsmen which seemed quite
unfair and against the spirit of the game to us!! The “Kotzurnator“
top scored with a good innings and was well supported as usual by the stylish
Jack (we are talking batting – not clothes or hair here!) Gerard also scored
pretty well and we had a useful contribution from Wighto in his first appearance
for some time and who was really starting to find some form.
Unfortunately, Wighto continued his lifelong
“I love to hate/ I f*#cking really hate” relationship with umpires
when he was for the 4,869th time in his career given out LBW, in
what was appeared to be a fairly “marginal “ call to say the least.
We think that Wighto is convinced that there is a conspiracy against him by
the umpires, and at times it is hard not to agree, as keen followers of the
club who have watched him bat throughout his entire career can testify that
on probably about 5 of those occasions he has been given out when clearly he
shouldn’t have been!!!
But to everyone there, the real highlight of
the innings was the 9th wicket partnership between Kenny and Starry.
In what can only be described as a truly remarkable, exhilarating, and bizarre
happening, Starry ran a three on two occasions!!! Such was the achievement that
we all gave him a standing ovation both times. We were quite impressed when
he raised his bat to salute us and we thought he was joining in the fun. However,
the umpire told us later that he was actually waving his bat at Kenny and letting
him know in no uncertain terms what he would do with the bat to Kenny should
he have to run another three!!!
Sadly it all went pear-shaped soon after when
Kenny called Starry through for what would normally have been a fairly tight
but achievable two and Starry actually got run out by 3 metres trying to complete
the first run!!! (and pulled a hamstring for good measure!!)
We wandered out onto the ground to try and defend
our modest total and Chuck “Harmy” was determined to get us off to
a good start. However, we think that when he stood at the top of his mark ready
to deliver the first ball of the innings and saw that he had Starry in first
and second slip and Wighto in 3rd and 4th slip, that he
suddenly had a loss of confidence and a mild panic attack which caused him to
bowl the first ball, a full toss some 6 metres over the top of the batsman’s
head and 9 metres down the leg side!!!
At this point we I think we should take our
quiet achiever of an opening batsman-cum-wicket-keeper “Farook” Ambrosi
to task!!. It is widely accepted that he has the best fielding position in our
team as on most occasions after the 10 over mark when Gerard and Chuck have
finished, he has been known to not have had to take a single delivery due to
not a single ball beating the bat for the remaining 30 overs of the innings!!
Most days he cruises, but on this occasion when the chips were down he was sadly
found to be left wanting. When Chuck let fly with the first delivery “Farook”
turned and ran 10 metres back and 9 metres to the leg and gave a full length
dive only to spill the take in what was a really sloppy piece of keeping!!.
With so many wannabe keepers lurking in the wings of this enormously talented
side Farook will need to lift his game otherwise his position could be in jeopardy!!
Chuck however recovered from his early case
of the yips and ended up taking 4 wickets thanks to his deliberate ploy of making
sure none of the batsmen snicked one into the slip cordon!! Such clear and creative
thinking from a fast bowler is almost a world first!!
The match reached a very interesting point after
Gerard and Chuck had finished their spells and things were very tight, and then
Gerard was faced with the same decision that seems to make the colour drain
from his face every week – Who to bowl next!! He looked around the field
at his options( and as usual found he had none!!), took a deep breath and threw
the ball to Dallas.
In what can only be described as a truly selfless
and completely team orientated piece of bowling, Dallas set about being smashed
all over the place and when the dust had finally settled , he had conceded 19
runs off his first over!! It looked for a while like we were going to
get rid of the much advertised “tonkapom” promotion and replace it
with a much more entertaining “TonkaKotz” competition!!. Whilst Dallas
kept trying to reassure us that it was part of his master plan in which it allowed
one of their big hitters to compulsorily retire and therefore get him out of
the way, the effect on tem morale was catastrophic and provided a real headache
for Gerard.
In what was regarded as a truly remarkable and
inspired piece of captaincy, Gerard decided to give Dallas another over!!
The truth was that he had to give him another
over because when he looked around for a replacement, there were none available!!
Fearing they would be next in the carnage that Dallas had endured, Henno and
Jack had run off the ground and were hiding behind a light tower, Nicho suddenly
remembered that he had some work to do over in the school and sprinted over
there, Kenny had hidden behind the footy dugouts on the other side of the ground,
Starry started clutching at both hamstrings, and Wighto had suddenly started
arguing with the umpire over his LBW decision of 3 hours earlier in the hope
of being sent from the field!!! Farook was using some duct tape that he had
stolen from Scanners to tape his pads and gloves on!!
Realizing he was the only eligible “bowler”
still on the ground, Drummo bravely (or foolishly) offered to bowl but Gerard
bluntly said “Thanks, but no thanks!!” as he quite rightly thought
that it would be better to only concede the 19 runs per over that Dallas was
dishing up rather than the usual 30 plus that Drummo usually does!!!
Seeing the dilemma that Gerard was in, and in
what was seen as a truly magnanimous and very sportsmanlike gesture from
the normally very competitive opposition, their captain came onto the ground
to Gerard and said that in view of the current situation, they would have absolutely
no problem with, and actually encouraged the concept that Dallas be allowed
to bowl from both ends!!!
In his second over the wheel started to turn
– his second ball was another gentle delivery which screamed out “Hit
me!!” to the batsman which he duly smashed off the middle of the bat, and
unfortunately lodged in the chest of Chuck at mid-wicket some 40 metres from
the wicket. Chuck didn’t at any stage get a hand on it but duly claimed
the “catch” although we had to use another ball after this, and surgeons
had to perform a 4 hour operation on Chuck on the Monday to extract the ball
from his rib cage!!
At the fall of another wicket whilst in the
huddle Gerard tried to lift our knowledge of the game by introducing the term
“corridor of uncertainty” to explain the line of bowling that
had just removed the batsman. There was much conversation about the term and
while we in principal we agreed with Gerard, some of us have a completely different
interpretation. For instance, to some of us with “lesser ability”
(considerably) , we find that when we stride to the crease, don’t worry
about the line of 6” outside our off stump, that the whole bloody
mown area between the stumps is a real “corridor of uncertainty” for
us!!
But the almost unanimously accepted definition
of the purest example of the “corridor of uncertainty”
is actually the hallway leading to the bedroom of Henno’s house when he
is returning home from another night of very heavy drinking with our revered
premiership captain – Youngy.
Legend has it that Henno staggers into the hallway
and is faced with the decision of either turning right at the first door and
throwing up in the toilet in the bathroom or trying to get to his bedroom at
the end of the hall and throw up in the ensuite!!!! There can be no greater
corridor of uncertainty than that!!!
The other highlights in the field were Nicho's
(“Cricket is a game of millimetres!!”) two occasions when he took
ten minutes to meticulously set a leg side field to a batsman and then
proceeded to bowl slow knee high full tosses outside off stump. As the balls
disappeared over the boundary he was heard to mutter “it’s hard to
set a field to a ball like that!!”, and in an unbelievable happening, not
one person argued with him!!
Poor old Wighto’s day continued to deteriorate
and he was eventually hunted out of 3rd and 4th slip and
placed at mid on and suffered the indignity of having the batsman mistake him
for the sightscreen and wanted him shifted as the bowler changed to back over
the wicket! We thought he handled it really well, but later when he fielded
the ball on one occasion and Chuck called out from fine leg “well fielded
Prime Possum” , the uproar and delay in getting the game going again after
everyone finally regained their composure, it was obvious that Wighto was seriously
considering if this was the way he wanted to spend every other Sunday!!! (Just
a short note from us all Wighto – you have passed your initiation with
flying colours – Congratulations and welcome to the team!)
So after a couple of pretty fair catches, one
by Dallas and another by the “the hand of God” it came down to the second
last over, last man in, one to tie, two to win.
Enter the “Kotzurnator™”
for his last piece of wizardry for the day. The batsman showed his distinct
lack of interest in pies and quietly played the first 5 deliveries back down
the pitch to
The end result – we had once again snatched
victory from the jaws of defeat by a single run and
Whilst walking off the ground the euphoric Nicho
said that in the Webster’s dictionary he had looked up “Kotzur” and it said
– “Swedish for - can do anything he likes on the cricket field””
That intrigued me so I thought I would check
it out myself in my dictionary at home and it said “Kotzur” –
“German for Kotzur”
I hope you all have a great Christmas surrounded
by those that matter the most to you and that 2007 is a great year.
Ripley