To the Inner Sanctum, 

Mr. Andrew Hilditch,
Chairman of Selectors,
Cricket Australia.

Dear Andrew,
Subject – Match winner, cult figure, and “the next big thing”

I am writing on behalf of the St Patrick’s cricket club here in Albury to alert you to the possibilities that among our ranks here we may have the answer to the current dilemma that you have in front of you in searching to find the complete all-rounder for the one-day and test squads now that Andrew Symonds has injured his arm so badly, and most thinking cricket followers rightly seem hell-bent on keeping Shane Watson out of the team.
The club feel that whilst it is prudent to try and develop the younger guys with an eye to the future it would also be remiss of you to overlook a genuine contender for the short to medium term just because he is “a bit older” than you would normally consider. The player the club would like to put before you is the excitement machine, Dallas Kotzur (more commonly known as “the Kotzurnator” ) – You may or may not have already heard of him as his reputation and deeds are almost legendary around this region. ( I must hasten to add that only a quarter of them relate to his cricket achievements!)
Dallas is having yet another stellar year here in our very elite Veteran’s competition here on the border and is shining in all facets of the game. We feel very confident that he would acquit himself very well at the top level. Having said all of that, as you well know that most of the champion players have their own “special requirements“, routines, and idiosyncrasies, and whilst at the top level team rules are essential, some gifted players need to be given “a little latitude” and Dallas would be no exception.
We feel that to get the best out of Dallas you will need to – Select him for mainly one-day games as he always struggles to get to 11.00 am games before the commencement of play, but I am sure he would be there with bells on for a 2.30pm day/night clash. (The last game we played here we all actually delayed the commencement of play until he arrived such is his stature around here – However, I don’t think Richie and Co would be too keen to delay the start of the telecast just to wait for him!) Appoint for him his own personal property Steward to ensure he arrives ready to play with the correct number of boots, pads, gloves, socks, etc and that the clothes he does turn up to play in are actually all his and the proper team colours! Appoint for him his own personal Police escort to the game each day so that when he duly arrives at the wrong ground he will be able to race back through the city traffic to the correct ground!
If you let him go on pre-match fishing trips on the morning of a match, please ensure the water police escort him the whole way and carry a spare can of petrol for his return trip! You will need to re-introduce the old tradition of having a stubbie and a smoke at each drinks break instead of the current sports drink and fruit. You will need to provide him with his own “hands free” kit so that he can listen to the races and speak to the TAB whilst either batting or bowling. You will need to ensure that Dougie Walters is at each venue so that someone can “go the distance” with Dallas at the end of each day’s play. You will need to have double the amount of ambulance officers at each ground to assist with crowd injuries from incoming missiles when he is bowling. He would be a great role model for the younger generation and you will never see Dallas getting involved in any of the texting controversies like one of his leg-spinning predecessors!!
How do we know ???– well it’s not all of the adverse publicity and shame that the media would pour on him and his family that would prevent him from doing such things, - it is much more simple than that. - It is the threat of his lovely and devoted wife Jenny, in her words “forcibly detaching his testicles from his body and disposing of them via the garden mulcher and at no stage using any anesthetic, surgical instruments, or bandages to stem the bleeding once the “procedure” has been completed!!!!"
He is also a sponsors dream and will be a good revenue earner for the TV networks, because when he is bowling you will actually be able to fit in 2 x 30 second commercials in the time frame from when he lets the ball go each time until it gets to the waiting batsman!!!
In closing, the club would urge you to seriously consider our proposal as we genuinely feel that Dallas is ready to take the next step and is the complete package – you wont be disappointed.
Yours faithfully,
His mum.

To the game – There was an air of excitement sweeping Willow Park as the whispers were flying thick and fast that something really special was going to happen and the St. Pats boys were all looking expectantly to the car park to see if the stories were true. And then we all got the signal that raised our excitement to fever pitch and put a real spring in everyone’s step. (No – sadly, Nicho hadn’t announced his retirement !!)

Suddenly, on this scorching 38 degree day, the long absent but once familiar smell of cigar smoke came wafting across the sun-drenched oval and we all knew that our prayers had been answered, a miracle had occurred , and suddenly all seemed right in the world again!!!! Our beloved RPC (Revered Premiership Captain) - Youngy - had miraculously recovered from his broken back, climbed out of his wheelchair, and was back in our ranks again to go into battle with us again!!!!

We suddenly all stood taller, except Ducky, and of course Dallas, who had somehow managed to go to the wrong ground again!! The team was RPC, Gerard, Ducky, The Kotzurnator , Ron Pearce, Nicho, Drummo, Frank, Hilly, WMD (Bernie), Henno, Tim Foster.

Absent (among others) - Chuck, Jack, and Starry (All omitted to fit Youngy in under the salary cap!!) – Plus they knew how bloody hot it was going to be!! – Soft!! - Farook Ambrosi – Had heard Youngy was playing again and pulled out as he is still traumatised after deflecting the ball into Youngy’s groin in last years final!! - Wighto – Currently appearing before the ICC rules committee putting his final submission forward as to why they should amend the LBW rule so that he would become exempt from that form of dismissal!! Wighto is not overly confident that it will get up, but tells us he has a fall back option whereby if his exemption request fails, he will seek permission to at least be able to strap his bat onto the face of his front pad so he can start to experience the wonderful feeling of “bat on ball” instead of the dull thud onto the pads which has plagued his illustrious career!!

Fortunately we won the toss and bowled on a wicket which was damp at one end. Youngy opened up bowling to the wet end and we all held our breath as he delivered the first over. He survived it to our collective relief, but to be honest we thought we had Maria Sharapova in drag (who was on steroids and her voice had broken!!) bowling as he let out a blood curdling scream each time he delivered the ball. Also, the creaking of his bones caused the opposition who were sitting under a large shady tree to flee as they thought it sounded like the tree was about to fall over on top of them!!

Ducky grassed an absolute brute of a chance in second slip (slow waist high thick edge straight to the mid-riff) and so Gerard made a unanimous management decision to put the gloves and pads onto Ducky to maximize his chance of catching one should another opportunity come later.

Youngy took a beauty in slips off Hilly to show he had lost none of his skills, although he almost grassed a dolly off Dallas a bit later when he finally held onto it at juggle No 14!! The opposition managed to get to about 130 thanks to some outrageous slogging by a couple of their early batsmen, and also a couple of “entertaining” overs by WMD and Henno at the end graciously ensured that they achieved the score when it looked like they may not get to 100 before they were introduced into the attack!!

As what seems to becoming the norm, everyone contributed but once again were really only a mere support act to the continuing “Dallas Side Show”, in which he collected another 4 wickets with his 2 secret weapons (batsman complacency and no respect!!) and took 3 catches (one an absolute blinder) to complete another “big day out”.

With Farook away, Gerard decided to open up the innings with Nicho and Frank. They faced a very hostile opening bowler who was quite sharp and had obviously over-dosed on “angry pills” before the match, and had also obviously missed clause No 22 (a) on page 13 of the constitution, which clearly states “whilst at this elite level all players are expected to compete in a competitive and willing manner – any player arriving at the ground with a “sheep station” in the back of his vehicle will be asked to leave the arena!”

In one of those funny moments that occur on the cricket field (we all know it is only funny if it happens to someone else!!) Nicho copped a short one from the bowler in question which as they say in the vernacular “got very big on him” and smashed into the side of his helmet. It wasn’t him getting hit that was humorous, but his attempt to avoid the missile which resulted in his arms and legs going everywhere, with his bat being caught by first slip, his spectacles ending up at 3rd slip, both of his hearing aids flew down to fine leg, his left boot ending up at short cover and his false teeth being brilliantly caught by the man at short leg!!! Coupled with this was that the sudden violent movement and the shock to his system caused him to blow a fuse in his recently installed pacemaker!!!

The opposition, seeing how much distress this had caused Nicho immediately gathered around themselves and began a frantic analysis of the ball to see if it had been damaged!! To his credit Nicho regained his composure and soldiered on until he made 13 . This bought Ducky to the wicket and I am not sure if it was the bowler who unsettled him or Gerard by putting the author, who had been involved in “the incident” last time he played, to follow Ducky in the batting order!!

Sadly, the prospect of this was all too much for Ducky and he got a lifting delivery off the same bowler in question and got caught in the Gully. Then to everyone’s bemusement and bewilderment the bowler proceeded to give Ducky a send-off!! Such behaviour to our club legend is totally unwarranted especially as Ducky would have forgotten more about cricket than the bowler will ever know! There was a rumour going around that Frank was actually significantly contributing to the bowlers grumpiness by continually niggling the bowler from the non-strikers end (the only place to do it) but we are sceptical of this as we all know Frank would never do that unless he were given half a chance!

Gerard came in and made a very good 30 and Ron Pearce showed his obvious class and ended up around 30 not out when we passed them with 5 wickets down and about 10 overs to go. He hit some very powerful shots all over the ground and did this whilst carrying a very bad hammy. He did have a little luck during one over and went within a whisker of being dropped on three consecutive balls!! The break in concentration may have been due to the heat as he had fielded and batted in the 38 degree heat without a hat and despite numerous offers from both teams declined to wear one.

So all in all a good win against a steady opposition in very hot and trying conditions, and most importantly, our RPC is back in our midst (has anybody seen or heard from him since the game finished???)

Ripley

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