We will lose our esteemed wicket keeper Kenny Rayner straight after Christmas as he takes up a position in Saudi Arabia as a radiographer. This may be considered strange, as he qualified as a General Idiot (Hons)at uni. Actually, I made that last bit up, he never got Honours. He may have had a distinction average though.
Kane Arendarcikas writes:-
"Chuck, can we do a bit of a poll on the web site to see where Ken Rayner is?? There have been reported sightings of him in Sydney, Tasmania and some other places (Club 727? - Ed.) which can't be mentioned at this hour. Also, can we have a vote on how long his sojourn to Saudi will last?? Surely he won't be there the full 12 months, there is nowhere near enough beer or women for him to be there a whole year!!"
Let me know what you think, and I'll post the results. If you've seen Kenny, or have an opinion on his sticking power in the desert (in all senses of the word), email Chuck Why not email him???
UPDATE: STILL NO SIGN OF KENNY.......EXPECTED TO TURN UP IN AFGHAN POW CAMP AT ANY TIME...............(hell, everyone else is!!)
21/12/01 Kane Arendarcikas writes: -
"Latest reported Kenny sighting was at the Termo last Thursday(20/12/01). At least it looked like him, I wasn't sure as this guy looked like he'd swallowed a watermelon."
29/12/01
- Received a message from Kenny
- or is it a threat????
G'day, if you don't remember me, my name is Ken Rayner and I'm having a farewell
at Paddy's on Saturday 5th January starting about 7pm. Have dinner, don't have
dinner, I really don't care but there will be compulsary drinking. Let me know
if you are intertested in sharing a few drinks with me before I go and root
some camels. Or you can come and make sure I am actually getting on the plane.
Ken
Note the poor spelling. I said he didn't get Honours!! (Let's not mention the camel thingy though).
31/12/01 - Received a message from an anonymous correspondent whose initials are "Asho": -
Dear Chuck Just to let you know - while everyone in Albury thinks St Vinnie (President Jones - Ed.) was the keeper we took up to Singleton recently, it was actually Kenny !!!!!! That's how big he is now that he has spent 6 months on St Pats strict Sporting Cricket Diet. Kane, Boonie and Heath seem to be on the same one!!!!
Hey! That's a bit unkind! It does explain a few things though. Looked up "trencherman", "glutton", "piggy-grunter" in the OED, and there's just a portrait of the above named gentlemen, and I had always wondered about that.
17/1/02 - Some sort of rebuttal from Kane to the anonymous "Asho": -
My only
criticism is of correspondence from the anonymous "Asho". How cruel to make
fun of Kenny, Heath, Casey, the leader of the free world (St. Vince) and myself.
If he were better informed he would understand we are not on a strict sporting
diet, but have been diagnosed with a serious rare condition called "Paddyitis".
Not much is known about the condition, but it normally is at its worst on Saturday
nights when the body seems to retain an enormous amount of fluid (other people
have termed the fluid "winners piss"). Immediate side effects include loss of
memory, dry throat, headaches, hot flushes, along with late night cravings for
pizza and hot dogs. Long term effects seem to be that bloating occurs over a
period of some weeks.
A foundation has been started to help research this tragic disease, any donations
can be forwarded to the front bar of the New Albury Hotel, and will be put to
good use by those with the disease when they next venture in to the establishment.
Good to see that there is actually some rigorous science involved so that any spurious and libellous accusations can be refuted on logical grounds. I look forward to being a recipient of any benefits that the Foundation may elicit from this interesting syndrome known as "Paddyitis". I must look into the side effects (lack of funds, alleged short term loss of cobbers, repelling effects to the opposite sex etc.)
15/1/02 - Received news of some unconfirmed sightings of Ken from the boys in Benalla: -
Hi Chuck,
This is Matty, I'm ESQ'S (Daniel Squires)
brother in law from Benalla & I look at this site regularly (yes I am mentally
deranged) I believe that Kenny Rayner has in fact left the country and is now
performing with Bette Midler and Daryl Brathwaite for the U.S troops in Kabul.
(God bless his soul)
Chuck this
is Dan (Daniel Squires), how's it going? I disagree
with my ill-informed brother in law. The last sighting of Ken Rayner was in
a lake in far north Scotland. He had put on a few pounds and kept asking me
for "three fitty" . So I gave him one dollar.
By the way I've got some gossip for you, apparently, the
2 Nelson brothers (of Wodonga Raiders fame) are forming a boy band along the
same lines as that hellraising pair of funsters RIGHT SAID FRED (They already
have the wardrobe). Also Big Paul Azzi has been offered a contract with the
WWF (World Wrestling Federation) He and Cameron Furze will be plying their tag-team
trade under the performing name of SWEATY AND THE BEAST!!!
Okay we must sign off now. Keep up the good work on the site it's very informative
and helps me with the little tips and strategies that I need to get me through
a game every Saturday with the Benalla CC Fifths. Thanks for the memories. Matty
Hales.
What a bonus!
News of Kenny, and some excellent news regarding some truly esteemed cricketers.
I must say, this is the sort of thing that puts boring rubbish about Andre Agassi's
wrist, Allan Donald's finger, or Mary Pierce's stomach muscles where it belongs
- wrapping fish and chips.
Ken is an excellent entertainer, and much cheaper than U2's Bono for instance.
Just give him "tree fitty", and he's away, as Daniel so aptly points
out. Mind you, I've never heard him advocate for the abolishment of third world
debt. Probably some sort of character flaw, you know, indifference to the downtrodden
and stuff.
18/1/02 - Robert Williams informs me that he has seen Kenny recently: -
The last
time I saw Kenny was when I dropped him off at a secret location in Mount Street
East Albury with a song in his heart, passion in his eye and a lump in his pants
late last Wednesday night after a long discussion about the finer points of
the foreign taxation system. Discussions about taxation are boring but in this
case they were livened up with a couple of beers, courtesy of my boss at work,
several more beers at the Indoor Cricket Centre and a feed and more ales at
the Newmarket Hotel.
A point to note is that Ken does not have AIDS - in fact his passport states
this fact so this will come in handy in Saudi to a fine rag head maiden or a
camel merchant.
Kenny has obviously let the physique slip in the winter due to a bout of "furniture'"
disease - his chest has fallen to his drawers so a documented AIDS free status
will be a bonus. Passports are only renewed every 10 years ?
It all helps
paint the picture, hey?
But why does Ken's passport make such a point of his AIDS status? My perusal
of such august journals as Lancet and The New England Journal of Medicine
shows no mention of the possibility of transfer of the virus between Homo
sapiens and Camelus dromedarius .
A friend of Ken (left) is apparently able to restore body moisture very quickly;
and has been known to drink one third of his body weight in 10 minutes. This
does sound chillingly familiar as far as Ken is concerned, especially when he
has been observed in such places as The New Albury,
The Newmarket, or The Globe, after a day in the field. Or not, as the case may
be.
I must email Ken and inform him that there are 160 words for "camel"
in Arabic, but perhaps by now, he knows that anyway.
I wonder where he is at this very moment.......................
31/1/02 - A message from the sands of the Middle
East..........
G'day Chuck Thought I should sign in. I made it over to camel country with
no problems. The airline food was bland and so small a portion that I couldn't
even have a crack at Boonie's tinnie record - they stopped serving me when I
started to make jokes about bombs and the Taliban.
I went to a festival today called Janadriyah (I've been calling it Jebbediah)
and on the way we passed a camel souq - to those who don't know that's a camel
sale. So many camels and they wouldn't let me try all of them. There were probably
about 100 camels all different sizes and colours, I have to go and have a cold
shower now.
I arrived here over a week ago and on the first night here I found out there
was a place called the "PUB", and it is just around the corner from me. There
is an Irishman who brews the beer on Wednesday and sells it on Friday. Thank
God they closed it down before I had to indulge in a dozen or so portions. Apparently
they closed it down because the proprietor was getting hate mail saying it was
against Allah and that he was an infidel.
Anyway, there are people who brew their beer for longer and apparently tastes
better - I hope so. Have to go see ya - Ken
Good to hear that Kenny
made it safely. What an interesting life he leads, even at this early stage.
On the 7/2/02 I sent the following e-mail to Ken : -
Hello Ken, How about little detail on what you're up to, and how you see the place - a sort of Clive James travelogue. Plenty of people ask me what you're doing, and I tell them you're sending plenty of funnies, but nothing else. It doesn't have to be a comedy classic, or any sort of funny at all, just your impressions of your new life. Regards, Chuck
On the same day, the erudite Ken replied (I had to edit it a bit in case kiddies or my ISP were watching): -
Hi Snake
Chalmer, the top of the morning to you from the country with no beer, or is
that a (deleted) with no beer?
It is fine and 25 degrees here and I can just imagine what it will be like in
three months. (deleted) hot. The work conditions over are a bit backwards -
suits me to a tee. Nothing moves quickly over here and having a good work ethic
is over rated. The word for hello and good-bye are the same, Salaam (or some
shit). Typical of the (deleted) heads, they don't know if they are coming or
going.
Tell Heath, Barry, Boony and MXOD that since I've moved over here I've lost
about seven kilos and no longer qualify for the FCC (fat (deleted) club). I'm
now looking like a Greek god, or maybe a god damned Greek?
I went to a soccer match last night to see Saudi Arabia and Brazil play a World
Cup warm up match. The game was boring as all shit but it was an experience
just the same. We obviously had to buy tickets before we went in to the game
so we were standing waiting to get served. And all of sudden there were about
200 stinking (deleted) noses standing aroung us chanting and spitting us, there
were 12 of us from the hospital who went and saw the game. These people couldn't
afford to get in so they started to hassle us. It was like running the gauntlet
- they were kicking, punching, hitting us with sticks and spitting on us for
about 30 metres until we got the gate where the cops were. Who didn't seem that
interested in helping us at all.
One guy had his ticket snatched and he had to buy another one, another lost
a jumper and we all came out with bruises. One guy had a Brazil shirt on, his
jumper didn't come off all night. Then the crowd started throwing full bottles
of water at each other, throwing lit firecrackers at ech other and lighting
fire to anything that would burn. So at half time I thought considering we were
the only Westerners in the stadium, it was probably the worst place for us to
be sitting. If the crowd went even more crazy than it was - we would have been
the first to go.
There is still a fair hatred of the West. The housing is Western style - there
are people saying "Howdy pardner" and "Reach for your six shooters".
There is an abundance of grog and women, it just seems I can't get to either.
I've been drunk once over here on beer that tasted like XXXX. It was like I
was back at Uni. People (deleted) in the dunny (an Aussie and a Brit), bad dancing
and I couldn't understand a word anyone was saying, this time it was because
of the accents and not because I was wasted.
They tell us over that if we are in an accident to just walk away from it. Assuming
you can walk. They throw eveyone in jail until they find out who is in the wrong.
I'm not spending a night in a jail over here - I only liked to be arse raped
by people I know.
Part of the (deleted) head custom is for guys to hold hands while they are walking
down the street, I'll be (deleted) if I didn't laugh the first time I saw it.
The second day I was here I was walking through the hospital and thought it
funny that should put a rug where I was walking - why didn't they put it in
the middle of the corridor? The security guard informed me after I strolled
the entire length, about 20 metres, not to do that again as Allah would be offended
if I walked on their prayer mat again. (deleted) hey.
Well must be off, there is bourbon to think of and camels to (deleted). Ken
Poor Ken. At least he has embraced this different culture and is looking for the silver lining.
On
16/2/2002, Ken wrote:
-
Chuck, would you pass on my congratulations to Boonie
for a fine knock. That makes ton number two - and I'm not talking about weight
either. I just hope it was his week off the grog, I can imagine him at 3 am
at Albys improving the knock exponentionally after each telling.
All the best boys. Ken
Aw yeah Ken, just suck up
now after the fat jokes, and 'cause you haven't any mates where you are.
Actually, I'm not sure that it really was from Ken. It came from a different
e-mail address, and there were no profane or racist remarks. It might have been
from Casey!!!
On
18/3/2002, Ken wrote: -
Chuck. Where do I start. Well done to the two's and the
thirsties. Good luck boys and I hope you all drink winner's piss at the completion
of the GF. Now, bad luck to the firsts. Whatever I say next will sound hollow.
Westy, loser's piss really tastes like winner's piss. See you all soon. Ken.
Thanks for the thoughts Ken.
Geez, that comment about the loser's piss had a very Zen feel to it.
Can Ken be taking up an alternative view of the World as he experiences a different
culture?
On 31/3/02, Ken
replied to a question from me regarding his availability for the Presentation
Night: -
Chuck, I haven’t replied to you because
I RSVP’d to a Mr Paul Kersey. Now if you two can’t organize your shit at your
end then that is your fault. Next time you send me an insulting and offensive
e-mail I’ll have to get my mates to sort you out. Bin Laden isn’t dead, he is
just waiting for the start of next cricket season to help Patties off to a flier.
Ken
Hmmmmm. Sounds like Ken may be of some assistance
in a certain Middle East Crisis. He has friends in high places.
It certainly would be very nice if he did put back something into the St. Patricks
C.C., although in this case the end may not justify the means.
On 3/4/02, Jack Duck related this true-to-life anecdote: -
The Moral Story of Kenny
Rayner
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: They had to ask their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the
kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke
and made a mess. "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't
put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But
we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when
they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, Don't
count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah." "Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my cousin Kenny Rayner. Kenny
Rayner was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and his plane got hit. He had to
bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine
gun, and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so he wouldn't break
it and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
Kenny killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets.
Then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then he
killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy
tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Kenny Rayner when he's been drinking."
Amen!! - Jack Duck
On 23/4/2002, Ken wrote: -
Chuck. As-salaam alaykum (Peace be upon you). Kiff haalak (how are you)? I have
been a very naughty boy. I have not been praying the designated five times a
day, I have been drinking the devils drink and thinking unholy thoughts about
women. Ah well, what are they going to do? Throw me out of the country?
Well, there’s not much to say about Riyadh, there’s a lot of sand though. I
just can’t seem to find the ocean. We went out into the desert the other week
to do a bit of four wheel driving. I was still in my clothes from the night
before and had a bad hangover. We threw the shovel in the back just in case,
not thinking we would need it. Right.
We come tearing off the sealed road into the sand dunes and after about 30m,
when the momentum ceased, we proceeded to get bogged. I spent the next 3 hours
digging that 4-wheel drive out of the sand. Apparently the 4-wheel drive wouldn’t
engage and we had to be towed out. The camels can have the desert.
I’ve just had a more pleasant trip through the desert, on the highway to Bahrain
to the land of real drink and pork. I spent the whole w/end blind. I had Guinness
for breakfast and bourbon for lunch the diet of a wholesome Catholic.
There wasn’t much flange to chase, due to the fact that I could barely scratch
myself for three days. Life for me hasn’t changed that much.
Apologies to Narelle. I should have been there to help Heath through his buck’s
party. Will that event make the next Saintly Snippets? I’m sure Dave and Daryl
looked after the big man and helped him drink the town out of bourbon and rum.
Albury/Wodonga must be well and truly be in AFL saturation by now, send any
results that you think I would find interesting. Let me know if Wayne Carey
has a job after in the media after he left the sport on top, if Boony has stopped
talking about his last ton, if Arty has dragged his arse on to the footy field
pre-June, if Westy has stopped being a big dopey prick, if Vince has coped now
that the ABCA season is over and his media exposure has ceased, if Kersey has
hit that growth spurt that he says will happen, if Phantom will be back at Patties
next year and if walking welcome mat (Furzey) has stopped wearing the cardigan
to social functions?
I came over here to take advantage of the tax-free system. And I have not yet
sent a red cent home. Looks like I can’t save money anywhere in the world. And
they are going to try and introduce tax, if that happens, I’m out of here
I can pay tax anywhere and it definitely won’t be in a place like this.
On that bright and cheery note I’m going to sign off. Catch you later. Ken
I think I detect a note of homesickness. I was mightily
impressed by Ken's use of the local vernacular in the initial greeting. It adds
credence to my suspicion that he is definitely "going native".
On
23/5/2002, Ken wrote: -
G'day Chuck. I thought I should send you something to show that I have assimilated
to my current environment. The Saudis over here love facial hair, if you don't
have any they call you a gay homosexual.(a gay homosexual???
It's good to see the word "gay" used in it's literal sense -Chuck)
Things are good, I'm going to Scotland in July to drink bourbon and eat pork.
You little rippa! I hear Jimmy Hird's trying to lose the pretty boy looks by
having his face caved in. I'll send you a more thorough e-mail when I'm not
late for work. Ken
This message makes me think
that Mr. Johnny Walker may have been interfering, or that Ken was in a hurry.
Either way, I certainly share his comments regarding the Carlton Football Club.
Ken writes again (finally) on 17/1/2003: -
Hey Chuck.
It has been remiss of me not to correspond with the folk at SPCC that make
up the nucleus of the cricket world. If the boys forget what I look like, I've
attached a photo that I found on the net. Notice the flawless technique of cross-bat
slogging; head up, hitting across the line and with my weight unevenly distributed
(you have to admit that it would take more than 10 civil engineers to distribute
my weight in that back swing).
It's good to hear that Ken is finally coming back home - as long as you're not a liver or kidney that is!!
Ken did come home, and we caught up with him and his lovely partner at the Club Presentation Night. It was a biggy, but then we heard nothing from him for a little while, and people were asking "I wonder what Ken's up to.............." but then, on 13/7/03.....
I'm
sorry I haven't e-mailed you sooner but I've a had a few things on my plate.
At the moment I'm living in Cape Town for three months looking after a new born
baby. Zakariya Mark was born on July 1st at 0821 (he is not going to be an accountant)
and we now are trying to cope with little sleep and the poo machine that is
our child.
He's a good kid and he has already enquired about the new coach at St Pats and
when pre-season training starts. I s'pose that's the only way to get me to pre-season
is if he drags me kicking and screaming.
Chuck, I might keep him away from you and Adrian Mitchelhill so that he can
have a chance at a "normal" bowling action - like mine. He may end up chucking
it but we all know that keepers are frustrated fast bowlers.
I'm hiding in the computer room at the moment as the Aussies just got done in
the first Tri Nations at Newlands. Those South Africans are unbearable when
they think that have one up on us. But I keep reminding them that we (Australia)
hold 3 of the 5 World Cups and the ones we don't hold aren't culturally significant.
I mean, who follows soccer and who really cares about round ball. And the Americas
Cup - been there and done that, although it wasn't that impressive so I didn't
get the T-shirt.
I have a few more months before I can't use that sledge as the Rugby World Cup
in Oz will most probably remove a trophy from our collective mantle piece. C'est
la vie.
Things are good here, the weather is nice and the beer is almost up to VB standard.
Castle is a nice drop but I'm fanging for an Aussie beer - we just seem to do
everything right. Except play rugby.
Mum and Zak are well and Zak is constantly wanting to get on the nipple - good
boy. I keep telling clockwise with the tongue but he isn't listening to me yet.
He has also picked up a habit of pissing everywhere when we take off the nappy
- but 9 times out of 10 he pisses on his own face. He'll learn eventually that
it is not in his best interests to piss in his eye as pink eye apparently hurts
and that it is only socially acceptable to piss on ones self when you have drunk
thirty 7's in one sitting - or 24 and spew, pass out and then resume later on.
Like the esteemed Chris Wighton did so many years ago at the scenic Soden's
Beer Garden.
Well mate, other than that not much is going on. I look forward to getting the
weekly updates for next cricket season. And follow St Kilda's lead if the team
doesn't perform before Xmas - sack the coach mid-season. All problems lie with
that one man as apparently the men in the team aren't responsible for their
performance.
I'll catch you later, Ken
Ken sent a picture of his family not too long after the joyous event (and I don't mean Ken sobering up!)
Hi Chuck, Fayrouz doesn't like having her photo taken as much as some other show boats. So I sent you the only one that I could find of us all together and she had no choice in the matter. It is about 15 mins after Zac was born and the Dr's were still stitching her up. When I get a better one I'll send it on to you.
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